


Voice of an Angel

by abesallery, PotatoPatato



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Also technical support, Harry is a Little Shit, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Possible smut, Potions, Potions Accident, Protective Draco Malfoy, Protective Severus Snape, Purrtato here for moral support, Sad, Swearing, abesallery, bxb - Freeform, possible sad feels, snarry, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-05
Updated: 2020-11-23
Packaged: 2021-03-01 05:13:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 19,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23029897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/abesallery/pseuds/abesallery, https://archiveofourown.org/users/PotatoPatato/pseuds/PotatoPatato
Summary: ~He's the Master of more than just Potions~
Relationships: Harry Potter/Severus Snape
Comments: 26
Kudos: 101





	1. Intro

Intro.

Alright, you guys, this is my first snarry. Please don't hate. I will be trying my best, so bear with me. A little about the story, it takes place during 5th year and the deaths will be changed. Like, Sirius is going to survive, he will not die (I love him too much). I tell you this so I don't suddenly spring it up on you. Also, it is perfectly normal for an older person to date a younger person in the wizarding world, but it is unusual for a teacher to date a student (I had to add some of conflict). Also, there will be smut, language, abuse, incest, and lots more. If you are the squeamish type, this story is not for you. You have been thoroughly warned, so don't report me and don't say I didn't tell you about it beforehand. I do not own Harry Potter, or any HP characters. I only own my own writing. All rights reserved. Okay, now that that is done, lets get on with this story I have thy written. Also, sorry, but it will be slowly updated. I is a very slow typer.

also, plz tell me if im doing this wrong. this is also posted on Wattpad.


	2. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THERE IS MODERN TECH IN THIS, SO YEAH. ITALICS ARE THE SONG LYRICS. ALSO, CAN YOU POST PICTURES ON HERE?

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=J6sIK2KnhH8&feature=youtu.be 

I was moving fast, nearly running in my haste. I was late for detention. Again. I didn't help that the teacher I had detention with was Snape, so he would more than likely give me another detention for not being on time.

I didn't mean to be late. I forgot and went to the Astronomy Tower, my hideout. I was watching the sun set when I suddenly remembered, but by the time I did, I only had five minutes to get down to the dungeons, not to mention I had over thirty staircases to go down, and they also moved, so I had to wait for some of them.

I knew, though, that Snape would not take any excuse and would more than likely say that I was too busy trying to uphold my 'fame' to come down to detention, which was not at all true. I mean, if anything, I was doing the exact opposite.

You see, no one knew where I went when I disappeared, not even Ron and Hermoine. The Astronomy Tower was the perfect place to hide as it was off-limits and most people-including teachers-forgot it was there. I made that tower my little haven and, as far as I knew, I was the only one who knew about it. Well, except maybe the Weasley twins.

I was completely out of breath by the time I got to the dungeon. Those damn stairs. You'd think that, with magic, they would put up a magical escalator, or something. I'll have thighs of steel by time I'm done with school.

I glanced at my muggle watch, my eyes widening at the time. I was almost 10 minutes late. I broke into a full-on sprint, making it to Snape's classroom (where I was serving my detention) in less than a minute. I paused outside the door, steadying my breath before entering.

Inside, the rows of tables were clean of objects, the stools tucked neatly under them. In the corner of the classroom was a small sink and stacks of dirty vials, containers, spoons, measuring cups, droppers, and, of course, cauldrons beside it, waiting to be cleaned.

I didn't see anyone in the classroom at first glance, so I took a tentative step in. I let my satchel, which I carried everywhere, slide to the ground. I walked to the sink and took out my wand, about to cast a cleaning spell, when Snape's voice suddenly echoed through the room.

"Glad you could make it to detention, Potter," Snape drawled, scaring me shitless.

I whipped around to find him sitting at his desk; I guess I should have looked there first. I slowly registered his words and made to apologize.

"Yes, sorry about that, Professor. I forgot and by the time I remembered-" I tried to explain, but Snape cut me off.

"I don't need your sorry excuses. Too occupied with a celebratory life, are you? Well, I believe another detention will help you 'remember' next time," Snape glared, standing in a swift movement, his cloak swirling dramatically behind him.

I sighed, but didn't expect anything less. Snape made his way toward me, his steps quick and precise.

"Your punishment is cleaning the room," he said, stopping in front of me. "Without magic," he added with a smirk.

I nodded, trying not to let it show that I was fine with cleaning. I actually kind of liked it; it was a little relaxing, to be honest. I mean, after doing endless chores for the majority of your life, you get kind of used to it.

I pulled off my school robes, leaving me in black slacks and a white button-up. Rolling up my sleeved, I grabbed a rag and started to wipe off the tables. It took me about 20 minutes to clean the tables and sweep and mop the massive floor. I was about to start the dishes when Snape called to me.

"I will be right back. You are not to take out your wand to use it for any purposes. If I find you so much as touched your wand, I will give you detention for another week and I will take points from your house," he threatened, walking to the door.

"Okay," was all I said, plugging the sink and filling it with warm, soapy water.

I turned the corner just in time to see the end of Snape's cloak slip around the corner. I listened to his footsteps slowly fade away, leaving me in silence, the only sound coming from the containers bumping into each other. After a few moments, I couldn't take it anymore. I quickly dried off my hands and dug in my pocket. The pockets of all my clothes were charmed so that they were endless, so, with a weary glance over my shoulder, I grabbed my wand from my inside discarded robes.

"Accio phone," I mumbled quickly, pointing my wand toward my pocket.

I was usually content in the silence, as long as there was another living creature was with me. When I was in the Astronomy Tower, Hedwig was with me, or, if she wasn't, she sent Abarax, a small, adorable bat, to keep me company.

But, currently, I was in the silence alone, as I was the only living thing in the room (potion ingredients don't count).

I turned on my phone and started to scroll through my songs. After a bit, I settled on one and placed the device on the counter, going back to my work after pressing play. I sang along, scrubbing a cauldron in time with the music.

" _Good for you, you fooled everybody_  
 _Good for you, you fooled everyone_  
 _Good for you, now you're somebody_  
 _Good for you, you fooled everyone_

 _Leave your weapon on the table_  
 _Wrapped in burlap, barely able_  
 _Don't get angry, don't discourage_  
 _Take a shot of liquid courage_ "

I took a breath

" _'Cause my monsters are real, and they're trained how to kill_  
 _And there's no comin' back and they just laughed at how I feel_  
 _And these monsters can fight, and they'll never say die_  
 _And there's no goin' back, if I get trapped I'll never heal_  
 _Yeah, my monsters are real_ "

My voice echoed off the walls, filling the silence.

" _Good for you, you hurt everybody_  
 _Good for you, you hurt everyone_  
 _Good for you, you love nobody_  
 _Good for you, you owe no one_

_Leave your weapon on the table_   
_Wrapped in burlap, barely able_   
_Call a doctor, say a prayer_   
_Choose a god you think is there_

_'Cause my monsters are real, and they're trained how to kill_   
_And there's no comin' back and they just laughed at how I feel_   
_And these monsters can fight, and they'll never say die_   
_And there's no goin' back, if I get trapped I'll never heal_   
_'Cause my monsters are real_

_Leave your weapon on the table_   
_Wrapped in burlap, barely able_   
_Don't get angry, don't discourage_   
_Take a shot of liquid courage_   
_Leave a light on if you're able"_

  
_" 'Cause we both know you're unstable_   
_Call a doctor, say a prayer_   
_Choose a god you think is there"_

I noticed that I had tears in my eyes as I continued to sing, letting all my hidden emotions come out

" _'Cause my monsters are real, and they're trained how to kill_  
 _And there's no comin' back and they just laughed at how I feel_  
 _And these monsters can fight, and they'll never say die_  
 _And there's no goin' back, if I get trapped I'll never heal_  
 _Yeah, my monsters are real"_

The song ended and I took a shuddering breath. There was a moment of silence then I heard something behind me. I turned around to find Snape standing there.

His eyes were slightly widened and his mouth had gone slack. My face burned with embarrassment and a twinge of shame. No one had ever heard me sing, let alone heard me express my true feelings. I quickly drained the sink and dried my hands, having finished cleaning and wanting desperately to get out of there.

I snatched up my belongings, nearly running out of the room. But before I could get to the door, my satchel slipped from my grasp, its contents spilling on the floor. I paused for a moment before stooping down and shoving everything back in my bag.

I didn't look behind me as I made out of the classroom, heading up to the Astronomy Tower. I tried to forget what just happened, but I couldn't get the look of pure shock on Snape's face out of my head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song is "Monsters," by Shinedown just in case you didn't know or if you didn't listen to it for the chapter. Please tell me how I did for my first Snarry chapter. Thank you for reading!  
> Please Comment and share what you think.


	3. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Purrtato here Imma be a helpin abes on this

I studied Potter as he moved swiftly around the room, cleaning as though it didn't bother him. He seemed to know exactly what he was doing, which was odd, as Dumbledore said that Potter was so loved, so spoiled by his muggle family, that he hardly had to move at all.

When I gave him his punishment, I expected some kind of resistance, but he set out to do the task, like he was used to it. But of course, he had to be acting, to get under my skin. I decided to test him. I called to Potter, making my way over.

"I will be right back. You are not to take out your wand to use it for any purposes. If I find you so much as touched your wand, I will give you detention for another week and I will take points from your house," I threatened him.

I heard a faint "Okay" as I continued to walk out. I stopped just outside the classroom, casting a spell to make it sound like I was walking away. I waited until I could hear movement from inside the room before peaking around the door frame.

Potter had his wand in his hand, about to cast a spell. I got ready to storm into the room and demand his wand, but he didn't cast a cleaning spell.

"Accio phone," Potter said, snatching a small, hand-sized rectangle as it flew out of his pocket. I had read of these 'phones', as muggles call them. I wasn't entirely sure of their use, but muggles seemed pretty attached to them.

I continued to watch as Potter fumbled with the possession before putting it down and cleaning again. A moment later, music started to come from the rectangle and I listened as Potter sang along.

He sang with emotion I didn't know he possessed. He hit all the notes perfectly, his voice louder than the music its self. The feeling he sang with was strong, as if he could relate to every word.

It was beautiful.

I walked into the room, causing him to turn around. He had tears in his eyes, and such raw emotion shining through, I was surprised no one knew the boy's true feelings.

His face turned red and he quickly made to leave, dropping his bag and spilling everything out inside in the process. He picked everything up and walked out; Well, he picked up almost everything. Potter left in such a hurry, he left behind a small, black journal. I picked it up and debated calling him back, but decided to let him be.

I tried to open it, finding that there were some simple binding spells that were easily broken. On the first page, it read:

_~ Property of Harry J. Potter. If lost, please return. Please do not go past this page. ~_

I knew it was wrong to snoop, but the way he sang had me curious, and I felt this journal could give me answers. So, I slowly turned the page.

The next page was a drawing of the Black Lake. The detail and skill had me shocked once more. I hadn't known Potter was an artist. I continued to flip through the it, finding the journal contained mostly beautiful drawings and small complaints. Each page was dated, letting me know he had just gotten the book this year. But when I reached the middle of the journal, I found a small paragraph.

_~ I don't know why I'm so bad at potions. I love the subject, but I keep messing up. I really want to ask for help, but I'm scared Snape will make fun of me. I have enough to deal with as it is. Why did I have to be the Chosen One? I wish I could just be myself around other people. ~_

I re-read the words, surprised. I hadn't known he was trying to get better at potions. Hell, I didn't even know he didn't like being famous and popular. I thought back to all the things I told him, thinking he was trying to stay on top, and cringed.

I wanted to read more, but there was no more to read on the paragraph. Instead, there were columns of ingredients, some crossed out and some circled. At the bottom, there was a small list of potion ingredients written very neatly. Next to it was a scribbled note; it had a happy tone to it.

_~ It worked! My first potion worked! I asked Hermione to make it, and it worked! I have created the first eye color changing potion! It doesn't last forever, like I intended, but it does last a couple of days. That is still pretty good for a first try! ~_

I gaped. Making a potion was difficult, but creating one; well, that was nearly impossible. I continued to flip through the book, finding even more drawings, but mostly potions he had made. They were all labeled at the top, telling me what they were. I came across a particular potion that looked to be especially difficult. There was a little symbol drawn next to it, a symbol he drew next to the potions he hadn't yet tested.

I scanned the ingredients; I had all of them. After a moment's thought, I spun and pointed my wand at my cauldron, deciding to test Potters potion.


	4. Chapter 3

Harry's P.O.V

I woke up and glanced around, remaining on my back. It took me a moment to realize I had fallen asleep in the Astronomy Tower. Great. Just fucking fantastic. Now, Ron and Hermione are going to be on my ass all damn day. I heaved a sigh and sat up sharply, jumping as something rolled off my chest and landed in my lap.

I looked down and laughed a little. Abarax lay sleeping, his pitch black wings wrapped tightly around himself. His mouth was open slightly, showing his tiny fangs; he snorted a little in his sleep, wrinkling his snout a bit.

Abarax wasn't liked by the other bats. He was very small and, with his abnormally large eyes, he was very different from the rest of them. But that only made me love the small animal more.

I gently prodded his stomach area until he woke up; he gave a big yawn, sticking his little, pink tongue out. He opened his eyes sleepily, looking up at me before unwrapping his wings and stretching. He gave himself a little shake and flew to the single window in the tower, sitting on the edge, waiting for me.

I stood up and stretched, my back a little stiff from sleeping on a stone floor. Although, I have experienced worse. I walked over to Abarax and looked out the window, watching as the sun slowly rose, turning the sky many different shades of pink, red, yellow, and blue.

I reached for my satchel, digging around for my journal, until my stomach growled, stopping me and scaring Abarax. I laughed and gently scratched him behind the ears.

"I've got to go," I said to him. "If you want, you can come with me down to breakfast," I offered to the creature.

He looked at me then looked to the staircase that led the way down the tower. I saw the slight fear in his eyes; he hasn't had very good experience with other humans, either. He licked the back of my hand and flew out the window, leaving me alone.

I watched him fly away before making my way to the Great Hall to go have breakfast. As I walked, I started to hum, but the sharp image of Snape's shocked face made me stop immediately. I felt my face heat up and I hurried my footsteps, making it to the Great Hall in record time.

I sat down at my house table, grabbing a treacle tart. I glanced around and saw very few people. I looked at my watch and realized why; it was 6:45. People didn't usually get up until around 7:00. I shrugged and made to eat my breakfast, but before I could, a shriek sounded in my ear.

"Oh my god, Harry!" Hermione exclaimed frantically. "Where were you? Are you okay? Are you hurt? Did something happen? Answer me!" She didn't even stop to breathe.

I opened my mouth to answer, but Ron started talking.

"Hermione, he can't answer if you don't let him," How he managed to talk with that much food in his mouth, I'll never know.

Hermione frowned and started a lecture on how he needed to learn table manners, forgetting, for the time being, that I wasn't in the dormitories last night.

I slowly started to eat my breakfast, ignoring Ron and Hermione's fighting. I looked up and caught sight of Draco. He looked up at the time and we started our glaring match. I wondered who would break first. A few moments later, we both broke into a fit of giggles, trying to stay serious.

Me and Draco have been secret friend for years. We became friend when we had detention together in the Forbidden Forest in our first year. Everyone thought that Draco ran when we saw Voldemort drinking unicorn blood, but really, he dragged me away when I fainted. After that, we got to talking and decided to call truce. In secret, of course.

Draco was the only one who knew about my potion creating. He was the one who made them. After Hermione started asking me where I was getting the recipes for the potions, I started to look for someone else to make them. Draco volunteered. He had even tried to teach me how to get better at potions. In return, I tried to teach him how to create one. Let's just say, were lucky to be alive. And still have our eyebrows.

"What are you laughing at?" Hermione asked me, trying to follow my line of sight.

I sighed and looked down at my food.

"Nothing," I mumbled.

"You really shouldn't do that you know," Hermione said in a bossy tone. "You could get a lazy eye from all that 'staring-into-nothing' you do. Then what will people think?"

I almost glared at her. The words she didn't need to say were in her eyes. I needed to be perfect, or else, why was she wasting her time on me.

"Yeah," Ron jumped in, stuffing half a pancake in his mouth. "And you need to tell us where you're going so that we can come with you. To keep you safe."

I knew why they wanted to follow me around. It was just in case something did happen. Something big. Then, they would be there, watching me do all the dirty work, then they would take all the credit. I knew they were only my 'friends' because I was famous.

A small jab of magic hit my chest, causing me to look up. Draco was tucking his wand away, not looking at me, but I kept my eyes on him.

A while ago, when we first became friends, Draco found a simple spell that caused a small wave of pure magic to come out of your wand (AN: haha, A wand orgasm.. no.. sorry, ill leave now), hitting whoever it was directed at. It felt like a small tap and me and Draco used it to get the others attention without being noticeable to others.

I pretended to be looking at something else, but I watched Draco closely. He put his hands together, making a gun-like shape. He kept his hands facing upward and started to tap his index fingers together in an irregular pattern.

Morse code.

"Are you alright?" Draco asked, glancing at me discreetly.

I made the same shape with my hands and tapped out, "No. Not really."

"Is there something I can do to help?" He tapped, looking worried.

"Unless you can make a puppy suddenly manifest out of nowhere, no, you can't help me."

He laughed, shaking his head.

"Common. Let's go work on a new potion," He signed to me, standing and walking out of the Great Hall.

I smiled, happy that Draco knew what would cheer me up. I stood and made to follow, but I was stopped.

"Where are you going?" Hermione asked quickly, starting to get up.

"The bathroom," I answered, trying to walk away, but Ron stopped me again.

"I'll come with you," He said, turning in his seat.

"No thanks. I don't want you to be in there when I'm using the toilet." I made a slightly embarrassed face. "I had beans last night."

Hermione wrinkled her nose in disgust and Ron slowly put down a spoonful of beans he was about to eat. Neither made the move to follow as I finally made it out of the Great Hall. Draco was standing outside the door, waiting for me.

"What lie did you tell them this time?" He asked ad we turned to walk down the empty corridor.

"That I had to take a massive shit," I answered dryly.

Draco laughed so hard, he snorted, trying to cover his mouth with his hands. I laughed at him and he stuck his tongue out at me.

After a few moments of silence, I looked to Draco and asked, "Wanna race?"

He grinned and said, "You're on." Before taking off down the hallway.

"Fucking cheater," I yelled, chasing after him, laughing.

We ran like 5 year olds, shouting at each other, our laughter bouncing off the walls. We were both wheezing after running up a couple flights of stairs, though. Draco stayed in the lead, me close behind. So close, in fact, that when he came to a sudden halt, I crashed into him, falling to the floor.

He looked down at me sprawled across the floor and started to laugh so hard, he doubled over, clutching his stomach. I laughed with him, standing slowly.

"Ah, my belly," Draco said, sounding weak from laughing too much.

I looked around, still chuckling. I saw that we were right next to the Room of Requirement and started to think of our potion room. Soon, a small, beautiful door appeared and we entered.

The Room of Requirement was where we made our potions. Inside the specialized room, there were endless ingredients, multiple cauldrons, and many different types of tools. Everything you would ever need to make any type of potion. 

Draco made his way to a shelf of already made potions, all the glass vials labeled and organized. He grabbed a stomach soother, drinking half then passed it to me. I cringed at the bitter taste, but was thankful as it settled my aching stomach.

"So," Draco started grabbing a wooden spoon, stirring a potion we brewed yesterday. "Why were you so upset?"

I sighed and sat on a stool, propping my bag on the table Draco stood at.

"I don't like having fake friends. I hate that they only stay with me because it will give them attention," I scrubbed at my face with my hands, then looked directly at Draco. "Have you noticed that when thing start going bad, when they start getting the wrong attention, they completely drop me as a friend? But as soon as it's all over, they act like nothing happened, like they didn't leave me when I needed them the most."

Draco nodded sympathetically and rubbed my shoulder soothingly.

"How about you?" I asked softly. "How's home?"

Draco closed his eyes, a pained expression on his face. He took a moment before he spoke.

"Mother... she wants another child, but Father doesn't want to be bound to her any more than he has to. She got mad and- "His voice broke. "She crucio'd him. She tortured Father until he passed out from the pain. Then- then she beat me because I was 'too much like him'," He let out a quiet whimper, opening his eyes, looking at me. "Father blames himself. He thinks that it is his fault that I get hurt. He tried to take my beatings, but- "Draco broke down, sobbing into his hands.

I jumped up and wrapped my arms around him, holding him close. He cried into my shoulder, hugging me fiercely, like he was afraid I would turn into smoke and vanish. After he settled down a bit, I pulled back.

"Let me see," Was all I said, walking over to grab a tin box from the shelf.

Draco started to pull off his robes, his back to me. After he took off his shirt, I hissed at the marks on his back. There were deep bruises covering his skin. On his ribs, there was a bluish-purple mark, like someone had kicked him. Some of them were older and turning a yellow-green, but all of them were severely noticeable against Draco's ivory skin.

I opened the box and pulled on rubber gloves. I opened a small jar that contained a bruise salve. Slowly, gently, I started to rub the ointment on all his bruises.

When I got to his chest, I couldn't stop the expression that crossed my face. His chest and stomach were worse than his back. The sight made me work faster, wanting to stop any pain he might be getting from the horrid marks.

The salve started working instantly, healing the bruised. They would be completely gone in an hour or so. As I was finishing up, Draco said quietly, "You don't have to do this for me."

I looked at him; looked up, as he was taller than me.

"Of course I do," I said, giving him a small smile. "You're my best friend. I would do anything for you."

Draco suddenly lunged forward, grabbing me up in a massive bear hug. He lifted me off the ground, squeezing me.

"What did I do to deserve a friend like you?" He asked, making me laugh.

"I could ask you the same question," I said as he put me down.

I put away the box as Draco put back on his shirt. He started to stir the potion again and I sat back down. I could tell Draco was still sad so I started up a conversation.

"So, Draco, my main man," I said, causing him to scoff, a small smile on his lips. "Who do you have a crush on?"

He spluttered, his eyes wide as he sharply turned to look at me. Hi face flushed red and he answered quickly, "No one."

"Oh, come on," I whined, poking him in the arm. "Tell me!"

"I-I can't," He said, turning away and shaking his head.

"What?!" I demanded. "Why?"

"It's embarrassing," Draco said, furrowing his eyebrows.

"At least tell me what house they're in," I tried.

"Okay," He yielded before grumbling, "They're both in Gryffindor."

I gasped dramatically.

"The Slytherin Prince, in love with, not one, but two Gryffindor's? Hell must have frozen over." I pretended to faint.

"Oh, shut up," Draco pushed me playfully.

"So, you won't tell me who the two luck men are?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.

Draco looked at me, shocked.

"How-how did you know-,"

"Draco, babe, we've been friends since we were 11. I'm pretty sure I would know if you were gay."

He blushed and ducked his head.

"Sorry I didn't tell you sooner," He said apologetically.

"It's okay," I said, shrugging. "I didn't tell I was bi until 3rd year."

Draco laughed and sprinkled some crushed dragon scales into the potion.

"Aaand, done!" He said triumphantly, getting a dropper and filling it. He put a drop of the potion on a healthy, green leaf. If the potion was made incorrectly, the leaf would turn brown. If it was made correctly, it would stay green.

It stayed green.

"Care to test it?" Draco asked, dunking the spoon into the cauldron and bringing some of the potion up to my face.

I drank from the spoon quickly; the taste was vile. I stood and held out my palms toward the fire beneath the cauldron. The flames instantly started to wave in my direction, as if they were being pulled. Excitement bubbled in my chest.

"Yes!" I shouted. "Success for the fire controlling potion!"

Draco instantly bottled the potion, labeling it and putting it on the shelf.

"Oh, Draco," I said suddenly, stopping him. "I just remembered, but I made a potion for you and your dad. It stops all feeling of pain so you're not hurting when you are bandaging up,"

"Really?" He asked, smiling at me. I nodded. "Thank you."

"And guess what?" I asked. "You only need a drop for it work. So, we can make a lot and you can take it home-"

Draco hugged me again, cutting me off.

"Thank you," he repeated, squeezing me. "Let's make it now."

I nodded as he let go, grabbing my satchel. I dug around inside for a moment, not finding my journal. Confused, I looked inside, pushing things around, still not finding it. Frantically, I dumped everything out onto the table, my heart sinking.

"What?" Draco asked, looking at the expression on my face. "What is it?"

"My journal," I said, looking up at him. "It's gone."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It is extra long today! Hope you enjoyed! Please comment and tell me what you think!


	5. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Sorry for not updating, I had the chapter written down and ready, but I didn't really have a lot of motivation to type it out. Sorry. I will try harder, though.

(Still Harry's P.O.V.)

I paced the room, my sunken heart beating hard and fast. I knew Draco was talking, but I couldn't hear what he was saying. I was trying to pay attention, I really was, but I couldn't.

To anyone else, they would probably think I was overreacting, but I had put so much work into what I wrote in there. Every drawing took time, each one unique and special. It took me _days_ to finish _one_ drawing. And every single potion took careful thought and consideration. I had to calculate each ingredient, triple checking my work to make sure I didn't add two things that could cause a bad, nuclear, chemical reaction, which could happen.

Plus, with how much I wrote in there, it wasn't like I could just re-write it. My memory wasn't exactly bad, but it wasn't that good either. Even with the help of memory spells and such, none of it would come out like it had when I wrote it down the first time. If I didn't have my journal, I couldn't give Draco the potion recipe, either. Then, he would struggle when his mom got mad. Oh, god, then there's-

"Harry!" Draco shouted, grabbing me.

I jumped, yanking back in reflex, folding into a defensive position.

He blinked in surprise, slowly dropping his arms when they remained outstretched, his fingers still curled slightly from when he grabbed my shoulders. Confusion shone in his eyes, but so did hurt. Draco tried to hide it but he couldn't hide it completely. Not from me.

"Oh, Draco," I said, wincing apologetically, reaching up and resting the palm of my hand against the side of his neck. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do that. It's just... the potion for you and your dad, if I don't have it, we can't make it, and it will take me a while to rewrite it; I don't want to make any mistakes and get you guys sick. And-and you're going home for the holidays soon and-," Draco cut off my rambling.

"I know," He murmured, grabbing my wrist by his jaw. The hurt faded from his eyes as he leaned down to press his forehead against mine. "I know," He said again.

We stayed like that for a few moments before I realized how we were standing. I broke away, laughing. Draco tilted his head, giving a small, curious smile.

"What?" He asked.

"People are going to think were dating if we keep doing this," I gestured between us.

Draco's eyes widened with his smile. He snorted, giving my shoulder a playful shove.

"You wish," He said, knowing what my feelings were toward him.

Despite the way we acted, we had no romantic feelings toward each other. We were just really close, both of us needing someone to connect to. I knew this for a fact. We had actually talked about it at one point. As embarrassing as it was, at least we know the others feelings. And that is one thing I'm grateful for.

"Hey. Guess what?" I said, turning to Draco.

"Hmm?" He inclined his head toward me.

"I love you," I said dramatically then added, "No homo."

He groaned, shaking his head.

"You're so fucking cringy sometimes," He muttered, but I could see his smile. He reached over and ruffled my hair. "I love you too." 

~Time Skip~

The whole day, I had a hard time focusing on my classes. Before we left the Room of Requirement, Draco suggested that I retrace my steps to increase my chances of finding my journal. I knew he wanted to find it as much as I did; the book did have the pain relief potion.

Currently sitting in Charms class, I ignored Hermione's nagging and Ron's complaining. I sighed and rested my head on my arm, using my free hand to mimic Professor Flitwick's wand motions. Next hour, our last hour, was, surprisingly, the only class Gryffindor's had with Slytherin's this quarter.

I was relieved that Potions was the only class I had to see the Slytherin's. It had nothing to do with the House, and everything to do with Draco. I wanted to hide the fact that I hadn't found my journal from him as long as I could. I didn't want to worry him. Or disappoint him.

The walk to the dungeons was miserable. I knew I hid it well as Hermione didn't ask about it, but I really, really, really didn't want to face Draco. I felt guilty for giving him false hope. I should have checked my bag before telling him of the potion. I should have made copies of every damn recipe in that bloody book. And now... now he was going to be in unnecessary pain because of me.

As we walked into class, I instantly went to my usual spot, sitting quickly and putting my head down. Everyone in the room started to whisper and talk about me, wondering if I was alright, trying to get into my business. I knew they didn't care about me; they just wanted the gossip.

"What's the matter, Potter?" Draco spat, seeming to have just walked into the room. "Head too heavy for you? Not surprising, given how big it is."

The Slytherins laughed, the Gryffindors starting to retort insults. I could feel the heavy gaze of everyone in the room, all of them waiting for me to say something back. I knew I should, but I couldn't lift my head to look at Draco. So, I buried my head deeper into my arms, much to the surprise of everyone student in the damn room.

Chatter filled the classroom. Theories and rumors spread like wildfire, everyone wanting to know what was going on with the 'oh so important Harry Potter'. People poked and prodded, each asking questions and demanding answers. I wanted to cry; I wanted them all too just leave me alone. I could feel a pressure start to form in my chest. Just as I was about to snap at all of the prying students, a voice boomed out, louder than the voices of all the people in the room combined.

"What is the meaning of this nonsense?!" Snape barked, causing everyone to bolt back to their seats, the room going deathly silent.

Just like that, I was forgotten, the incident seeming to not have happened at all. I slowly lifted my head as Snape walked to his desk. If looks could kill, we all would have been turned to dust, based on the look he was giving everyone. 

"If you want to pass my class," Snape drawled, his voice soft and deadly. "I suggest you get. To. Work."

Everyone quickly started to gather what they needed and began making the potion for the day. Slowly, everyone relaxed and started to talk to one another, a soft noise filling the room.

I glanced at Snape as I cut my Elderberry roots. I watched as the candlelight glimmered on his hair, his eyebrows bunched and his eyes narrowed slightly. His lips were pressed together in a slight pout as he intently studied something on his desk.

Apart of me wished he would look at me like that; like he wanted to know everything about me. what I would give for him to whisper sweet nothings to me, to do all the simple things with. How I longed for his long, slender fingers to hold me, touch me-

I instantly stopped the thoughts, my face burning red. Yeah, I may or may not have a very, very, very small crush on the Potions Master. Though, the title made me wonder what else he was the Master of-

"God dammit, stop," I muttered out loud, my face growing impossibly warmer.

"Stop what?" Hermione asked loudly, trying to catch the attention of as many people as possible.

Damn attention whore.

"Nothing, nothing," I said, not looking at her, instead focusing on crushing beetle shells.

"Okay," She said slowly, giving me a suspicious look.

I internally rolled my eyes and went back to watching Snape. I wondered if the reason I was failing Potions class was because I was distracted by him. I mean, it would make sense, as I hardly paid attention to what I put in my cauldron. I was too focused on Snape. Even when when trying to make potions with Draco, the Professor remained on my mind.

After a while, I started to feel a bit stalkerish, so I looked down and tried to make my potion correctly, which was a good thing, as I almost added the wrong ingredient. After a bit of struggling and second guessing, I somehow made a some-what non-toxic potion.

I looked around, surprised to find that I was the only one done. Even Hermione hadn't finished, which was unusual, as she was always rushing to be better than everyone else. I glanced over at her and saw that she was staring un-blinkingly at Ron, muttering nonstop under her breath. She seemed a little angry. I was slightly confused but figured it had something to do with the previous fight they had before class. Though, something with how she stared gave me déjà vu.

I shrugged it off and put some of my potion in a bottle, getting up to turn it in. I risked a glance at Draco; unlike everyone else, he wasn't likely to forget the earlier incident. I gave him a weak smile and held up the bottle, telling him silently that I had managed to make a non-exploding potion. He grinned back, shaking his head in disbelief.

But then, his smile slowly faded and he gave me a confused and worried look. I sighed and wordlessly said that I would explain later. He gave a single nod and continued on with his work.

I gradually made my way to Snape's desk. He was still focused on the same thing as before, not noticing my approach. I took small appreciation at how his hair cast shadows across his cheekbones and how his eyes flashed with curiosity. I felt my face flush slightly and instantly tried to change my thoughts, but I couldn't. I didn't want Snape to see my blush, so I started to look around the room for something else to focus on.

I somehow ended up searching Snape's desk. What I found had me freezing on the spot; it was what he was so interested in. There, wide open and spilling its secrets, was my journal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pic is thy new Harry I am using.  
> Credits to the artist.


	6. Chapter 5

Questions buzzed around my head, creating a swirling storm. Where did he get my journal? Why did he have it? How did he get it open? Why hadn't he returned it? How much had he read?

I felt like I was going to throw up. My knees buckled and I almost fell over, catching myself on the corner of a table. Of course, with my unfailing luck, the table slid forward, creating a horrible screeching as the legs were dragged across the stone floor. Every eye turned toward me. Including Snape's.

His hands moved swiftly, covering my book with the papers scattered all around his desk. He glared at me, scowling.

"What is it that you need, Potter?" Snape asked in a clipped tone.

I stared at him with an incredulous look. Did he really think that hiding the book would make me forget he had it? He noticed my stare and gave me a 'I'm totally innocent' look. I didn't know whether to laugh or yell. I was about to demand that he return my property to me, but a loud noise behind me made me turn.

A first year girl had walked in. She had a teachers note in her hands, obviously for Snape, and she seemed extremely nervous. Her face was bright red and she was looking down, not watching where she was going. The noise came from the cauldron she nearly knocked over, the potion inside sloshing around threateningly.

"Hey, watch it!" Dean hissed, quickly grabbing the cauldron before it could spill.

"S-sorry," the girl stuttered, taking a step back, tripping on someone's bag in the process, bumping into another cauldron.

The Slytherins whom the cauldron belonged to, all jumped up, each trying to stop the potion from spilling. A rather large Slytherin boy rammed into the girl by accident, causing her to go flying into Snape's desk. When she hit the desk, her want fell out of her pocket, sending a bolt of magic straight at me, knocking me over.

"Oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry!" the girl cried, rushing to try and help me up.

"No, wait!" Snape demanded, trying to stop he, but was too late.

The girl tripped again, falling forward and pushing the cauldron on Snape's desk over, spilling the potion onto the ground.

And all over me.

**(Sudden P.O.V. change brought to you by Strawberry Flavored Jellybeans)**

Snape's P.O.V.

I had been studying Potter's book all day. He had made potion discoveries even I hadn't thought of. Alas, I knew I should have been paying more attention to my students, but I was enchanted by the words written on each page. I didn't even take house points when two clueless Hufflepuff's caused a massive explosion in the back of the classroom. Well, not as much as I would have.

I rubbed the tiredness from my eyes as I looked over a fire controlling potion (it was quite impressive). I didn't sleep at all last night. Instead, I worked on making Potter's complicated potion. I felt a little giddy (and a little childish) as I looked over to where my cauldron was placed on my desk. It was almost completed; despite its complexity, it didn't take very long to brew. All I needed to do was add one more thing.

A single unicorn hair.

I took a glance at the potion bubbling inside; it was quite an odd color, but according to Potter's notes, it was supposed to be this strange shade of mauve.

It suddenly occurred to me that there was no movement or noise in my classroom. Confused, I looked up, only to find that there was no one here but me. I checked the clock, shocked to find that I only had one more class to deal with. Funny how time flies when you're snooping through someone's private belonging, huh? After a moment of thought, I decided to get up and stretch my legs; but not before gingerly adding the pearl white hair.

Nothing happened for a moment, but then, the potion started to bubble in an alarming way. For a fleeting moment, I thought my cauldron was going to explode. I made to banish the potion when it suddenly turned from mauve to gold, glowing so brightly I had to shield my eyes.

Slowly, the light died down and I stared at the slightly bioluminescent gold liquid, mesmerized. Potter really could make potions. I pushed down my amazement and went for my walk, making it short and quick, yelling at a few students here and there in the hallways.

On my way back, loud chatter filled my ears. I was annoyed to find that it was coming from my classroom. I internally rolled my eyes. With a teacher like me, you would that they would have learned to behave by now.

Children.

I entered the classroom, ready to start taking points, but what I saw stopped me. Nearly everyone in the class was bothering Potter. His head was down and he was visibly shaking, no one taking notice of this fact.

A sudden, and quite unexpected, fury rose in my chest. Were these people so nosy and selfish that they couldn't leave someone, who clearly didn't want attention, alone?

"What is the meaning of this nonsense?!" I nearly shouted, watching in faint amusement as everyone instantly dispersed.

I made my way to my desk, glaring in a manner that I knew screamed death.

"If you want to pass my class," I started, my voice unnervingly calm, "I suggest you get. To. Work."

I heard, rather than saw, everyone rush to do their assignment. I sat at my desk, gave the room one last sweeping gaze, and continued to read Potter's journal.

I knew I was making quite the gamble, reading it while Potter was in the room, but I couldn't help myself. It was almost like the book was spelled to draw its readers in.

I flipped the page and nearly gasped aloud. The drawing of an admittedly adorable bat was present on the page. I wanted to know how Potter drew such lifelike drawings, how he made the picture seem like you could touch the page, and expect to feel texture.

I leaned down to get a closer look. I had just started to examine each pencil stroke when a loud screech sounded. My eyes snapped up, meeting emerald green ones. I quickly made an attempt to hide the journal, but I knew he had already seen it.

"What is it that you need, Potter?" I asked tightly, trying to look threatening.

He stared me down and I tried not to look suspicious. He seemed to notice my effort and became unsure of how he should react. It was understandable as I knew I wasn't selling it very well. He opened his mouth to speak, but a clanging in the back of the room made him turn. I followed his gaze and nearly groaned.

Bryn Blackbird, a first year Ravenclaw and by far the biggest klutz I had ever had the displeasure of meeting, had walked in. the girl had hardly taken two steps forward and she had already almost caused two accidents.

I was about to yell at her to wait in the hallway, when she suddenly crashed into my desk, causing my cauldron to wobble. A bolt of light exploded from her dropped wand, knocking Potter over.

"Oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry!" she cried out, making to help him.

"No, wait!" I tried to stop her, but she was already falling, pushing my cauldron off my desk and spilling the potion all over Potter.

\--------------------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, sorry for the late update. I didn't exactly forget; I write everything down before I type it out, and I thought I was typing it all out when in actuallity, I was just writing it down.
> 
> That's a my bad.
> 
> I hope you all like it, and thank you for reading!!
> 
> Oh, and the pic above is the drawing of the bat. I was trying to find a pic of a smaller bat, but this was the cutest I could find. Credits to the artist.


	7. Chapter 6

(Harry's P.O.V.)

Every place the potion touched my skin, tingled. I spluttered and struggled to breathe. The metallic-like potion had gotten into my mouth and nose, momentary blocking my airways. I tried to cough up the liquid, but I had swallowed at least a mouthful.

Hesitantly, I tried to stand, only to fall right back down. I shook my head against the dizziness that started to cloud my mind, but my action only made it worse. I groaned and put my head between my knees, breathing slowly. The noise around me was deafening, but muffled, like I was wearing earmuffs.

Someone's hand placed itself on my shoulder. A deep rumbling sounded and I could just barely make out the words.

"Are you okay?" Snape demanded, hardly a trace of worry in his voice. He begrudgingly helped me up and I held onto his arm tightly to keep balance. A small part of me was excited at the fact that I was touching Snape, but I tried to keep myself in check.

"Yes. I'm- I'm alright," I said, though I wasn't. I was finding it more and more difficult to stay upright. My vision was ringed in black and spots were forming.

Snape started to yell at the students, whom crowded around us, to back up so that he could get me to the hospital wing. We had hardly taken two steps, though, before my legs gave out, my sight going hazy, causing everything to become a blur. The last thing I saw was everyone's panicked and scared faces before everything went black.

*****

I groggily opened my eyes, my head throbbing. I squinted a little at the bright light that surrounded me, automatically reaching to the side to grab my glasses. I pushed them up my nose, blinking away the blurriness as I took in my surroundings.

I was in the hospital wing.

Slightly confused, I sat up and tried to remember why I was here. For a moment, I thought it was another on of me and Draco's fake fights gone wrong (which happened more times than either of us liked to admit) before the memories came flooding back, making my head spin.

The clumsy girl. The potion. Me fainting.

I groaned and fell backwards, covering my face with my hands. Just great. Fucking fantastic. Not only did I faint in front of the love of my life, but also in front of a crazed, attention hungry Hermione. The whole school must have heard of it by now. Hell, I honestly wouldn't be surprised if I made the front of the Daily Prophet.

I moved my hands and sighed before deciding to sit up. When I did, I noticed a cup of water next to a note and a box of sweets sitting on the nightstand. I quickly downed the water and picked up the note, realizing it was spelled so that only I could read it.

_Hey. Sorry I couldn't come visit, but I hope you like my present. I'm sorry for what I said to you in Potions. I know that you know that I never mean a word that I say when I fake rival, but I'm sorry nonetheless._

_Hope you feel better soon!_

_-DM._

I smiled at the note, picking up the box. I opened it, gasping in delight. Inside, there were different types of candy, some of them muggle candy. He had even included treacle tarts, which had a freshness charm on them to prevent them from going stale.

I was about to bite into a chocolate frog, when the doors suddenly, and dramatically, opened, the Weasley Twins walking in. They instantly made their way toward me, identical grins on their faces.

The Weasley's were the only people who were my true friends. Well, besides Draco, of course. They were also the only ones who knew about me and Draco's friendship. Surprisingly, they weren't mad at me; in fact, they were totally fine with it. I have no idea how they found out, but I was kind of glad they did. I don't like lying to them like I do Ron and Hermione.

"Why are you guys so giddy?" I asked, their happiness making me happy.

"We just saw the most gorgeous person," Fred sighed, pretending to swoon into George.

"They make my heartbeat like a doves pure wings," George said, clutching at his chest.

"Alas, nothing can compare to their intense beauty," Fred continued.

"They are our one and only Juliet," George said, sweeping a hand through the air with flourish.

"And we are their Romeo," they said in sync, giving me a slight bow.

I couldn't help but giggle at their dramatics.

"Oh, who's the poor girl. I feel I should warn her," I teased.

"Tis not a lass we be after," Fred said suggestively.

Though they smiled like they didn't care what I thought, their eyes told me the truth. They were both anxious; they probably thought I would freak out at them being into a guy.

"Glad to hear it," I said lightly. "I would have been disappointed if you were straight. It would have ruined my OTP."

They were silent, staring at me with wide eyes. They looked at each other then looked back at me. It was almost comical.

"R-really?" George asked, obviously shocked.

I nodded.

"Of course," I said, then smiled. "Us gays have to stick together."

They both physically relaxed, sinking down a little in relief.

"Oh, thank everything that is unholy," Fred stressed, collapsing on the chair by my bed, making me laugh.

"I told you he swung the same way," George said, nudging Fred over so that they could share the seat. They sat so close, one might have mistaken them for conjoined twins.

"Had your suspicions?" I asked, blushing lightly.

They looked at each other, sly smiles on their faces, before looking back at me.

"Now, now Harry, no one can look at a man that long and not be gay," Fred teased, causing my face to go from pink to beet root red in 2.1 seconds.

"Oh god, no, stop," I covered my face with my hands, glaring at them through my fingers. "Was I that obvious?"

"Not to him," George laughed at my embarrassment

"I could say the same about your 'Juliet'," I shot back, watching them flush slightly. "Who is it, anyway?"

"Well, you see," Fred started, "If we told you, you would tell them"

"And if you tell them, it would ruin our plans," George continued.

"So, I know them?" I asked, raising a brow.

They both opened their mouths, then closed them, realizing they gave me an unintentional hint as to who it was.

"Goddammit Harry," Fred frowned after realizing their mistake.

"We'd better go before we give him any more clues," George muttered, grabbing Fred's hand, pulling him up.

"Aww, no! Don't go, I'm sorry!" I whined, trying to stop them.

"We have to go anyways, Harry," Fred told me, looking at George, grinning. "We still have... _plans_ to make." I didn't miss the mischievous glint in the twins' eye.

"Alright," I yielded.

"We'll come and see you later," George said with a smile.

I watched them walk out, their fingers still linked together. As they left, the door swung shut behind them, and I almost missed Fred asking George, "What the hell is an OTP?"

I fell back into my pillows with a laugh. Laying there, I closed my eyes and draped my arm over my face, oddly content in the silence that surrounded me. A silence that was broken a moment later by someone walking in and approaching my bed. I grinned, thinking it was Fred and George.

"I'm not telling you what it means," I said in a singsong voice. There was no response, so I lifted my arm, looking up. Who I saw wiped the smile clean off my face.

Severus fucking Snape.

Why oh why does the universe hate me?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (A/N): I am so, so sorry for the long wait. Really, if I could have, I would have updated a long time ago. Hope you like and enjoyed, and I promise another update soon.
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	8. Chapter 7

(Harry's P.O.V)

We stared at each other, neither of us moving. It was so quiet, it was loud. I felt severely awkward and fumbled with the edge of the blanket that lay across my lap. After about a thousand years (a couple of seconds) someone behind Snape cleared their throat. It was so sudden and unexpected, I jumped, causing, what I swore was amusement, to spark in Snape's eyes.

He moved aside and Dumbledore stepped forward, staring at me like I was some grand prize. I tried to seem glad he was here, but my hatred for the man made it very difficult.

I knew about the lies he told everyone. Everybody, the students, the staff, the press, all thought I lived in luxury. They believed I was spoiled, that I practically walked on diamonds. No one knew about my hidden scars, no matter how much I cried out for help. And it was all because of Dumbledore.

"I see you're recovering well," Dumbledore said brightly. "Are you feeling better?"

"Yes, much." I said with a forced smile. It made my face hurt.

The old man was oblivious, but Snape raised a brow. Instantly, I stopped, rearranging my expression to seem as though I didn't wish Dumbledore would fall into a massive pit of acid and die a horrible death. It helped that I was momentarily distracted, trying not to blush under Snape's steady gaze.

"What potion was spilled on you?" Dumbledore was asking, so I forced myself to pay attention.

"It was-," I stopped. I had no idea what the potion was. "I-I don't know. It was Professor Snape's, not any of the students."

Dumbledore turned to Snape, raising a brow in a silent question. He was quiet for a moment before answering.

"It was an experimental potion. Don't worry; if he shows any symptoms, it is curable." he said swiftly, not seeming to care. It sent a painful blow to my heart.

Dumblefuck- Ahem, I mean Dumbledore, stared at Snape for a second before turning to me, a small smile on his face.

"Well, I guess my job is done here," he said, turning and leaving the room.

And leaving me alone with Snape.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (A/N): Three chapters in one day?! I'm on a roll! Hope you enjoyed and thank you for reading. Please comment your thoughts and what you think of the story.


	9. Chapter 8

(Snape)

I hated that I had to go check on Potter, but it was his potion and if he got sick, I would have no idea how to cure him. I had given Blackbird detention to last the year, but it still didn't seem like enough.

Walking to the hospital wing with Dumbledore, who insisted he join me, I kept on touching the journal, which was hidden in my robes. I knew I would have to give it back, no matter how much I didn't want to. I knew Potter knew I had it, so I decided to hand it over instead of causing a scene.

Entering, I instantly made my way to the only occupied bed. Potter lay with an arm over his face, a smile present. I made my footsteps loud, expecting him to notice my presence. He did, but not like I expected.

"I'm not telling you what it means," he said in a playful voice, obviously thinking I was someone else.

I found myself disappointed and wanting that playfulness directed at me. The thought shocked and horrified me. Shocked my gayness miraculously decided to show itself and horrified it was for Potter. As I mentally scolded myself, Potter looked up when he got no answer.

When he saw me, his smile was instantly gone, and his eyes went wide. He sat up, seeming embarrassed. When he held my gaze, he started to fidget. I, unfortunately, started to get lost in the beautiful green of his eyes. I was just starting to think how I could stare at him for hours, when Dumbledore cleared his throat, causing Potter to jump.

I fought to hold back my chuckle but fought even harder to stop my thoughts of the raven-haired male in front of me.

"I see you're recovering well," he said, staring at Potter in a slightly creepy way. "Are you feeling better?"

"Yes much," he responded with a fake smile.

I didn't know how I knew it was fake, as it looked very convincing, but something told me that it was forced, not real. I felt confused and he noticed, instantly trying to pull a look of interest in whatever Dumbledore was saying.

"What potion was spilled on you?" they grey-haired man asked, the creepiness getting more and more intense.

"It was-," Potter stopped, furrowing his eyebrows, a small frown on his face. "I-I don't know. It was Professor Snape's, not any of the students."

Dumbledore turned, switching his questioning to me. I almost glared at Potter. Way to throw me under the damn bus.

I panicked for a moment. I didn't have a story ready, so I spoke, making things up as I went.

"It was an experimental potion," I said swiftly, using an indifferent tone. "Don't worry; if he shows any symptoms, it is curable."

I didn't exactly lie; it was experimental. But if Potter did get sick, there was nothing I could do about it. Something like guilt swirled in my stomach and I almost shuddered. Of course I had to have _feelings_. 

The slam of the door shutting snapped me back into reality. I blinked, realizing Dumbledore left. I knew this was the perfect time to give Potter back his journal, but I also really wanted to keep it.

So, I stood there awkwardly, having my internal battle. Potter looked uncomfortable and kept on glancing up at me through his lashes, unsure. Neither of us spoke for several minutes until Potter cleared his throat, a light blush spreading across his cheeks.

"So... um, hi," he said, his voice almost cracking.

I nearly cringed. I didn't know what to do in this situation and, apparently, neither did he. We lapsed back into silence, the atmosphere tense. Potter repeatedly opened and closed his mouth, seeming to want to say something, but backed out of it last second.

Finally having enough of it, I let out a long sigh, his attention going from his lap to me. I reached into my robes, pulling out the journal and tossing the book onto the bed. He stared at it for a moment before he dived, snatching it up and staring at it with a very relieved expression.

It made me feel worse.

He hugged it to his chest and swayed slightly, his eyes closed. When he remained like that, I shifted a little and his eyes snapped open, remembering I was still here. He frowned, his eyebrows furrowing before he reached out with his journal and smacked my arm with it, the corner digging into my skin through the fabric of my robes.

"Ow," I glared, taking a step back and putting a hand over the spot he hit.

"Sorry. It's just," he sat back, "don't touch my stuff."

I rolled my eyes, letting my hand drop. I watched as his attention went back to his journal, his hand stroking the cover lovingly. His expression was soft, gentle, staring at the object like one would an infant. It made me wonder how much he cared for his book, and why he put so much attention into a possession.

"How much have you read?" Potter asked shyly, looking at me from above his lenses.

"I, uh," I swallowed, shifting a bit at the guilt that weighed on my shoulders. "I didn't go further than halfway through."

Again, a relieved expression crossed his face. I wondered what else was in the journal that he didn't want me to see, though, I suppose he didn't want me to see anything, given he put a binding spell on it.

"Wait," Potter said. "You didn't, like, I don't know," he let out a fake, nervous laugh, "Try any of the potions, did you?"

Now it was my turn to get nervous.

"Well, um, about that," I rubbed the back of my neck, keeping my gaze on the floor. "The potion that spilled on you was from that book."

A moment of silence.

"What?" he asked, his lips barely moving.

I opened my mouth to answer, but he started to flip frantically through the journal, his eyes wide and panicked. His breathing quickened as he rapidly scanned the pages.

"No, no, no, no, no," he muttered before looking up at me. "What was it called? The name of the potion, what was it?"

I was a little confused in his change of behavior but tried to remember.

"I don't know," I said finally, causing Potter to flip the pages faster.

"I guess we'll have to do this the hard way," he said, my heart jumping at the word 'we'll'. "What did the potion look like?"

"It was like liquid gold," I said, thinking fast, sensing the urgency in his tone. I wasn't sure why, but it was almost like I could feel his anxiousness. I didn't know why I cared, but I felt the urge to make him feel better, something I haven't felt in a long time.

He was nodding, his eyebrows furrowed. He squinted slightly, slowing his flipping but quickening his reading. His glasses slid slightly down his nose when he leaned down further to get closer to the page. He started to chew on his bottom lip, his teeth sinking into the soft flesh.

 _So kissable_. 

I physically jerked at the thought. I could feel warmth start to come up my neck, but I fought off the blush. I was horrified; I had never blushed in my entire life, but a single thought of Potter had me feeling like a schoolgirl. I could feel something was off about me, but I didn't know what.

"What was the last ingredient?" Potter asked suddenly. He kept his eyes on a page in the book, no expression on his face, though I could feel a change in his demeanor. It made me worry.

"It was a single unicorn hair," I replied wearily.

He squeezed his eyes shut, letting out a long breath through his nose. He pressed his lips together, forming a grim line.

"I definitely pissed off the universe," he whispered.

"What?" I demanded. "What is it?"

"The potion...," he trailed off. He opened his eyes and stared at me a moment before he continued. "The potion that you made could serve two purposes. The first one is for connection. Everyone has a soulmate, but it is rare for people to find them. I created this potion for people who want to find and connect the hidden bond.

"The second use is as a lust potion. Of course, in many relationships, things get... uh, physical. It can kick into effect even if you took it to find your mate. This can cause the relationship to, erm, 'speed up'," Potter blushed lightly, fiddling with his hands.

_How adorable ~_

I shook my head sharply to get rid of the thought and tried to listen to Potter without thinking about how cute he was when he was flustered.

"The way it works is, when you want to find your mate, you drink a little bit of the potion. The unicorn hair is from a pure creature, connecting the two souls in a pure bond," Potter continued, oblivious. "Without the hair, the love would not be genuine. But if you want the lust, you have to spray on the potion like a perfume or rub it into your skin. And then-," he stopped, looking down. His face went from pink to red, seeming embarrassed.

"What!" I asked, wanting to be filled in on the missing information.

He cleared his throat, looking at everything but me. I felt a twinge of pain in my heart.

_Look at me._

"After the potion absorbs into your skin, you simply touch the person you want to be lusted with," he said meekly. "Since I had swallowed some, there is a chance that I could find my soulmate, but there is also a chance that I was affected by the lust part of the potion."

Potter's face was as red as a tomato and he was fiddling with his hands so much that the skin by his fingernails he was picking at had started to bleed. I didn't understand what he was so embarrassed about.

"I'm confused," I said, feeling a little stupid. I mean, I was a bloody potions teacher, you'd think I would understand what Potter was talking about or why he was so anxious.

"You helped me up after I took the potion," he said, fidgeting harder and looking up at me. Slowly, I started to understand, mortification coming over me. The pieces fell into place as Potter said, "Professor, you were the first person I touched."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (A/N): Hey! To make up for the depressingly short chapter 7, I have written a semi-long chapter 8! Hope you enjoyed, and please comment your thoughts. I like to know if what I'm writing is good, and if you like it, because I don't want to write something you don't like, and you guys not read it because you think it is crusty, you know?
> 
> If there is something in the story you don't like, tell me so that I can alter it to something you would more likely read and enjoy. This is my 1st -ish story, so go easy on me.
> 
> ;3c
> 
> Anyway, thank you for reading!


	10. Chapter 9

***WARNING! POSSIBLE TRIGGER! READ WITH CAUTION! ***

(Harry's P.O.V)

As soon as I said it, I regretted it. The look of horror on his face hurt more than I thought it would. I always knew he would never love me like I loved him, but that did nothing to soothe my heartbreak.

He stared at me, his face unreadable. Then, he spun and stormed out without uttering another word. Pain tugged at my heartstrings, every fiber in my being begging me to call him back, but I couldn't see that look in his eyes again.

So, I stopped feeling.

This was something I discovered I could do when I was around 5 years old. It was like a switch or a box. When the switch was on or the box was open, I could feel. I could feel happiness, sadness, anger, pain. But if I turned off the switch, if I filled my box and locked it, I could feel nothing but emptiness. I knew it wasn't healthy and that it was taking a toll on me, but it was the only way I managed to come this far in life.

I sat like that, staring at nothing, feeling nothing, for a very long time. Eventually, Madam Pomfrey told me I was okay to leave, but if I felt dizzy or lightheaded, I was to come see her right away. I nodded mutely, wanting to tell her thanks, but feeling no gratitude. I grabbed my things and made my way out, making sure I had my journal.

I flipped to the very last page. I re-read one of the two letters I wrote a while ago; a letter confessing my love to Severus. I wrote it the night I was going to kill myself. I remember it like it was yesterday...

***Flashback***

_I hadn't meant to break it. It was a very expensive, very hard to come by crystal tea service that Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon used when they had 'important' company over. It was in an even more expensive class case, the glass spotless and the fine dark wood unscathed._

_The Dursley's were currently outside, boasting loudly about a new, supposedly rare, car. I was left inside with strict orders to clean the house, despite my current condition. The other night, I had forgotten to take the trash out. As punishment, I was beat until I was coughing up blood. I also had a bandage over my ear; Uncle Vernon said I wasn't listening, so he tried to make my ear a little bigger._

_When I was walking from the living room to the kitchen, I didn't see the skateboard, left by Dudley, in the middle of the walkway, due to the black eye I sported. One second, I was walking; the next, I was falling, crashing into the prized case, falling heavily to the ground. The massive object teetered dangerously; I scrambled out of the way as it fell, spraying shattered glass and splintered wood everywhere._

_I sat there, my eyes wide as I stared at the mess. I had managed to shield my face from the glass, but tiny shards had sliced into my arms and a splinter had buried itself in my calf. But I didn't feel the pain. The only thing I felt was absolute fear._

_Knowing it didn't matter that it was an accident, that it wasn't my fault, quickly tried to clean up, cutting my fingers and palms in my haste. But I knew there was nothing I could do and that the Dursley's would be here soon. Still, I tried, using my hands to sweep the shattered glass and wood into a pile, forming a bloody mess due to the deepening gashes on my skin._

_Tears blurred my vision but I furiously blinked them away, my breath coming in rapid gasps. I heard the front door open and froze, my hands still buried in the glass._

_"No, no, no, no, no," I whimpered, scraping up more of the broken case._

_I jumped when they walked into the room, my heart thrashing in my chest. I saw Dudley's face and Aunt Petunia's, both seeming shocked, but one glance at Uncle Vernon's and I nearly let out a sob at the fiery rage that burned in his eyes_

_"Please," I said in a broken whisper, my tears finally falling._

_He didn't say anything, instead stepping over the mess and grabbing me by the collar of my shirt, dragging me backwards. I started to panic; I knew where I was going._

_"W-wait! Please, you know I would never-," I cried, begging not to be punished. "It w-was an accident, I s-swear!"_

_My pleading fell on deaf ears as I was dragged up the stairs and into the attic. The attic was a small, mostly empty room with a single, circular window. Uncle Vernon had it insulated and soundproof, making it the perfect punishment room._

_On one side of the room, there was a table, the surface littered with multiple items. On the other side, on the wall, there were two posts, each having two cuffs._

_He brought me to the posts, forcing me to stand between them, my back to the open room. He cuffed my wrists and ancles, having me stand in a spread position. I sobbed quietly, dreading what he was going to do._

_"So, you think you can break my stuff, huh?" Vernon hissed, ripping open the back of my shirt. "Do you know how much that cost? Well, I think I can make you pay, don't you?"_

_I let out a broken cry when I felt him start to carve something into my skin. My body automatically tried to move away, but that only caused him to dig the knife further into my flesh. I couldn't do anything as he continued to write, permanently scarring my skin. I looked with tear-filled eyes and saw one word shining red in the dull light; worthless._

_I tried to keep still and stay quiet, but I couldn't stop the occasional twitch or sound of muted pain. I knew he didn't like it when I made noise. But it didn't matter anyway. He still walked back to the table, grabbing the long, spike-tipped whip._

_He gripped the bloodstained leather handle and gave me a smile from Hell. I muffled my screams as he lashed at my back, leaving behind bloody welts. He did this multiple times before he finally stopped, breathing heavily. He put the weapon back and walked over to me, roughly uncuffing one hand before throwing the key at my feet._

_"That ought to teach you something, boy," he spat at me, making his way to the door. "And don't forget to clean up your mess."_

_I slowly sank to my knees, staring at nothing as my body shook with unshed tears. Eventually, I picked up the key with shaky fingers and freed myself from the restraints. My head spun from blood loss as I stood, but I continued to stumble out of the attic, trying to ignore the searing pain that traveled up my spine every time I moved._

_I continued to cry without making a sound as I passed my aunt and uncles' room. The door was open and inside, I saw that Vernon had passed out on his bed, snoring like a walrus. Aunt Petunia was standing by her dresser, looking at a photo, not moving. I debated asking if she was alright, but I didn't think by body could handle another beating. So, I continued my path down the stairs, making sure to avoid the creaks in the floorboards._

_I dried my tears as I grabbed thick rubber gloves and a heavy-duty trash bag from under the sink. I cleaned up the wood before I started on the glass. I picked at the shards in my arms and hands, throwing the bloodied pieces away. Despite how ruined everything else was, I salvaged a single teacup. The rim had been slightly chipped, but it was otherwise completely intact._

_It had taken three bags to clean the whole think up. I piled everything next to the door, covering myself with a stretched out, oversized sweater, making sure my face was covered, before I took them outside._

_When I was finished, I went to the bathroom, peeling off my torn, ragged clothes and taking a very painful shower. I watched as my blood colored the water, slowly going down the drain. After I dried off, I stared at myself in the mirror, my eyes glancing over my bare, broken body. My eyes trailed up, going over each cut, each bruise, before I met my eyes in the mirror. They were dull, almost as if I weren't alive. But that was what I was._

_Lifeless._

_A sudden, unexpected pain, surged through my body, squeezing my heart so hard, I almost couldn't breathe. I made a decision right then. Nothing could sway me. Nothing could stop me._

_I made my way to my room, dressing in my only pair of clothes that actually fit me. I opened my journal, flipping to the last page, and writing two letters, one apologizing to Draco, telling him how much I cared about him, and one confessing my deep love for Severus._

_I leaned down to the floor, opening a loose floorboard, reaching inside and pulling out a box. I slowly took off the lid, looking at the bottle of pills. Sleeping pills._

_Aunt Petunia bought them regularly to help her when she couldn't fall asleep. She never seemed to notice when a few went missing. It took me months, but I finally collected 64 pills, enough to ensure that I would fall asleep; and not wake up._

_I dug in one of my drawers, pulling out an open bottle of water, one-fourth of the liquid gone. It was my emergency water, but I wouldn't be needing it later._

_I twisted the caps off both bottled, holding them in each a hand. My movements were steady as I raised the pills to my lips; but I stopped. Hesitation filled me. Did I really want to do this? Was I actually going to end my life? I knew that if I did this, there was no going back. But the thought didn't scare me. In fact, I felt relief thinking about how I was going to leave this place behind. So, I lifted the bottle back up, taking half in one go. I quickly swallowed them, chasing it down with a mouthful of water. I didn't hesitate as I took the rest, staring at the empty pill bottle with a small sense of satisfaction._

_I was going to decide when I went. Me. Not someone else._

_I laid down slowly, waiting for the medication to kick in. I reached over, taking my journal into my hands, hugging it to my chest. A part of me regretted doing this, not wanting to leave Draco behind. I knew that some people actually cared about me, but I also knew that I could only handle so much, physically and mentally._

_My mind was suddenly foggy, my eyelids heavy. I didn't fight it as a thick cloud settled over me, closing my eyes, everything in my mind going blank..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (A/N): Oof, who doesn't love angst, right. Honestly, I wrote this when I was on Benadryl and listening to a sad instrumental, so i was half asleep and depressed. Well anyway, hope you enjoyed and don't forget to vote and comment!
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	11. Chapter 10

***WARNING! POSSIBLE TRIGGER! READ WITH CAUTION! ***

Continued Flashback

_I woke to a dark room, drowsiness covering every inch of my body. I furrowed my eyebrows, trying to figure out if I had succeeded or not. I had almost convinced myself I had, until my stomach lurched. I sat up quickly, ignoring the wounds I had accidently reopened, and grabbed an empty tin trashcan. I barely had time to lean over it before I was throwing up, completely emptying my stomach. Even after there was nothing left, I continued to heave. My body shook, my limbs feeling weak._

_I leaned back slightly, looking at the ceiling and breathing heavily. I was surprised I even had anything to throw up; I hadn't eaten in weeks. I mean, the only thing that I put in my system was-_

_I quickly looked down, staring at the contents in the trashcan. I didn't blink, not believing what I was seeing. 63 pills sat in water and stomach acid, none of them even slightly dissolved. I had only completely consumed one. Scientifically, this was impossible, so I only had one explanation._

_For the first time in my life, I cursed my magic. I hated that it flowed through me, that it stopped me from greeting death, from accepting it._

_Anger and hatred filled me until I was seeing red. I threw down the trashcan, standing and pushing over my bedside table, the lamp crashing to the ground. I tore things off the walls, throwing breakable things against the opposite wall. I ripped drawers from their dressers, knocking down whatever was close enough._

_I stood in the middle of the room, my fists clenched, my breathing heavy. I had reopened nearly every cut on my body. My blood soaked through my shirt and pants, causing the fabric to stick to my skin._

_I looked around the destroyed room, my mattress was hanging off its bedframe, both of which were far from their original position. Cloths were scattered everywhere, books strewn about, multiple objects broken._

_I expected someone to have come in here by now; I made a lot of noise. But no one came. I glanced out the window and saw the car gone._

_Well, wasn't I just **lucky**._

_I didn't move until my breathing calmed down. I slowly walked toward Hedwig's discarded cage, gradually unclenching my fingers. Hedwig didn't stay with me when I came back to the Dursley's; it wasn't safe for her. Instead, she stayed at the school, with Abarax. I took her cage with me, though, wanting her to stay with me in any way possible._

_I gently picked it up, putting it back in its usual place. As I took a step back, my foot knocked into something. I looked down and saw the crystal teacup I saved. Again, it managed to survive another disaster, though it now had a spiderweb crack across the side._

_I sank to the ground, grabbing the glass cup, holding it between my hands. I sat there, my knees pulled up to my chest, cradling the fragile object close to me. A small whimper escaped me as I slowly started to cry. I rocked myself back and forth, trying to seek any form of comfort. I sobbed and held the cup closer to me, filling it with my tears._

*End of Flashback*

I had made it back to the Gryffindor tower, quickly mumbling the password (Moon Flower) and making my way to my room. Oddly, I had a room to myself this year, though, both Hermione and Ron had access to it. That was kind of the reason why the Room of Requirement was used for the potion making.

I threw my bag and book on my bed, staring at the black cover of my journal. I had felt an odd mixture of relief and disappointment when Snape told me he hadn't gotten to the end of the book. I wanted him to know about my feelings, but, at the same time, I wanted it to be kept a secret. I mean, not even Draco knows, though I do plan on telling him sometime tomorrow.

If there even is a tomorrow.

I sighed at the thought. Ever since that night, I haven't succeeded in finding a way to kill myself. I mixed pills, drank them with liquor, and even hung myself after taking them. But I simple woke the next day on the floor with a bruised neck and an upset stomach.

The temptation to kill myself had lessened some when I came back to Hogwarts, though the Dursley's want me home for the holidays so that I can cook them a massive dinner. The damn pigs. It just wasn't enough that they took my childhood innocence and happiness, but now they had to take away one of the few times I had to myself, too?

I instantly felt selfish. Here I was, making everything about me when Draco was also going back to a not-so-homey-home. He was more important than I was. Plus, making dinner for the Dursley's was the least I could do; after all, they did take me in when they could have sent me away.

Making my way to the bathroom, I started to remove my robes, leaving me in a white button up and grey slacks. I slowly continued to undress, turning on the shower. I took my time, enjoying the feel of the hot water running over me. When I got out, I used my wand to dry myself.

Again, I stood in front of a full body mirror, naked. I studied myself from my feet to my head. A part of me enjoyed the sight; tan skin, full muscles, not a single scar or blemish. My face was beautiful, my lips seeming to be on the verge of a smile. So much light and happiness radiated from my eyes. It could make anyone's day, such a bright, beautiful green. But I knew it was a lie, that it wasn't me.

Looking down, I removed the glamor I placed upon myself. Instantly, the color from my skin was gone. I seemed to shrink, my ribs now showing, my muscles growing smaller. Even my hair seemed to droop. All my scars appeared, some crisscrossing, some spelling out words, some self-inflicted.

What really hit me, though, was my face. My cheeks were sunken, my cheekbones noticeable in an unhealthy way. I had bags under my eyes and looked as though I had never smiled a day in my life. And my eyes. They were dull, almost grey. I looked over my body again, a sight that could bring tears to one's eyes.

I deserve this.

I knew I did. I knew I should be better, that I should try harder. If I didn't, then what was I good for?

But it hurt so much. I was always in pain. I was always hurting. I was constantly being harmed.

Maybe that's the only way people can show me they love me.

I didn't know love hurt like this. But I would go through it, endure it. If I didn't, then no one would be able to love me. No one.

I tore my eyes away from the mirror, tears starting to fall. I didn't bother to dress as I laid down on my bed, pulling the thick blanket completely over myself. I sobbed quietly, hugging myself. And, like I had every night for years, I cried myself to sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (A/N): Omi god, more angst. I just love it. This is honestly the first time I have written angst, so, how do you think I did?
> 
> Also, bad news.
> 
> I have fucking writers' block!
> 
> Do you know how to get rid of it? If you do, I would love some hints because I haven't been able to write for a while and it is driving me crazy!
> 
> Anyway, thank you for reading and don't forget to comment your thoughts!
> 
> >//v//<


	12. bad news

ah, well, sorry about this new information, but i will not be on again for a while. i didn't have time to update the message on here, but my step dad is blocking all my reading websites, and my music and all the fun things i do on this chromebook. i have younger brothers that can still access everything, but for me, he decided to block shit. so, because of that, i will not be on here, i will not be updating, and he is not letting me write.

  
and they wonder why im already saving for an apartment.

  
the longest i will be gone is 2 years and a couple of months (i will be old enough to move out by then), which i really hope is not the case, because these websites are my safe space since im not aloud to have one irl

  
i will be writing on paper so that when i get access to wattpad and my other sites, i can update, so i will not be giving up on my story, i'll be damned if i let him take this from me, but you guys will not be getting it soon.

  
i just discovered that this site is not blocked, but im sure once he sees that i was on it, he will block it, so i am speed typing, lol  
FamilyLink is a bitch

  
but, again, im sorry that you have to wait for so long

  
if i knew this would happen, i wouldnt have started posting and would have waited until i was free before starting my book

  
hope you are doing good, and sorry again

  
trust me, im just as upset as those who are waiting for an update

  
:'3c 

But i will not be giving up, promise.


	13. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT!
> 
> The pictures on here are different from the ones i put on Wattpad (Mainly because i can't find the ones i posted on Wattpad, so I had to find new ones), though the ones on the other site will be changed to the ones on here, just in case you might have ran into the other one.  
> I actually like the new ones I found, tbh.  
> The pic is the new Snape I have chosen. I love him. Credits to the artist.  
> ^v^

When I woke, I had a hard time opening my eyes. My face was sticky, and the blanket clung to my skin in a very uncomfortable way. My hair was stuck to my forehead with sweat. My body felt like it was on FIRE, I was so hot. I threw off the thick blanket, completely uncovering myself. I instantly regretted doing so as the cool morning air contrasted harshly with my steamy skin. 

I struggled to get out of bed, stumbling to the bathroom. When I looked in the mirror, I nearly groaned. My eyes were puffy, my cheeks and lips swollen. My skin was flushed and sweaty even though I shivered. Anything cold that touched me, hurt, my feet aching against the freezing tiles. 

My throat burned as my head started to throb. I sniffed only to find that my nose was stuffed. I let out a huff of air through my mouth, glaring at my reflection. 

Reaching forward, I pressed on the lower right corner of the mirror, clicking it open to reveal a hidden compartment. I squinted as I looked inside, realizing I had forgotten to grab my glasses. It took me a moment, but I managed to find the thermometer in its box, hidden behind a thick roll of gauze. 

I took out the thin glass object, sticking it under my tongue. I waited a few minutes before checking it, doing a double take at the number. I had a raging fever, one so high, it had me shocked. 

Unsure of what to do, and not wanting to go back to the Hospital Wing, I thought back to all the medical books I had read, trying to teach myself basic first-aid (for obvious reasons). I faintly remembered reading that if you had a fever, you were supposed to cool yourself down. But then I remembered also reading that you were supposed to bundle up and sweat everything out. 

I cringed; I didn’t want to do either. I was already uncomfortably hot and the mere idea of touching something cold already had my joints stiffening. Even the normally pleasant cool morning air was causing my muscles to tense and ache. But I had to something about it. 

After thinking about it a bit, I decided to try and lower my fever by taking a lukewarm shower. Still not having any clothes on, I jumped right in, yelping at the blast of ice-cold water that sent a wave of pain through my body. After adjusting the water temp, I stood under the stream, letting it cool me down. 

I stayed in there for about ten minutes, humming to the tune of Blood by MCR, before I got out. I re-checked my temperature, finding it went down a bit. I still had a fever, but it wasn’t alarmingly high anymore. I wrapped a towel around my body, putting it high on my chest like girls do, trying to keep the chills out. I took a congestion pill and two Bayer to help with my headache and stuffy nose. 

I stumbled back into my room, walking over to my dresser and getting out a clean uniform. I had difficulty getting dressed, each movement seeming to immensely drain my energy. By the time I had finished getting on all my clothes, I was out of breath and tired. 

Why the hell did we have so many unnecessary pieces of clothing? Like, what did we need a tie for? To strangle ourselves out of boredom? It wasn’t like we were going to any fucking job interviews. 

I walked over to my bed, grabbing my glasses and school robe from where they lay on top of the blanket. I put them both on as I went back into the bathroom, brushing my teeth and somewhat fixing my hair. 

I thought about casting my glamor charm, but it was one of the few spells that actually required energy. I barely had enough energy to stand upright, let alone keep up a charm for the whole day. But I also knew I couldn’t just walk around without it. I was lucky I had a backup plan. 

Reaching under the sink, I pulled out a black case. I clicked it open, revealing a massive collection of makeup. I had several shades of foundation, blush, eyeshadow, and lip gloss. I had about three tubes of mascara, two different shades of black and one brown, and two tubes of black eyeliner, one of them glitter. I even had highlighting dust. At the bottom, there was a cluster of brushes, each one in pristine shape despite how long I have had them. 

I started buying makeup when I was very young, which was why I had foundation several shades darker than my actual skin tone. When I first started to buy them, I had no idea what I was looking for or how to look for it. I always put too much on, or not nearly enough. That, and I only had enough money to buy the crappy stuff. 

But one of the coworkers at the store I bought from helped me. She showed me how to check if something was my shade and what brushes to use. She was seventeen at the time and had experimented with makeup enough that she was basically a pro. She always said that her name, Makenna, made her sound like a beautician. She and her girlfriend, Alice, who was a very bubbly person, took turns teaching me how to use makeup. They even bought me my entire set, the kind that lasted years and worked as smooth as butter. I think they were both excited to find a boy who even bothered with the stuff. 

I remember how upset I was when they both moved after Alice got accepted to a collage in America. They were my only friends at the time. I drew them a picture as a parting gift and they both teared up when I gave it to them. They bought me a musical note charm before they left. I kept it in a box for safe keeping. 

I originally bought makeup because I liked the way it made other girls look. I wanted to try it for myself, obviously fueling the fire in my little gay heart. But I soon started to use it as a mask, covering my marks. When I found the glamor charm near the beginning of my first year, I used it because Hermione seemed to notice that I was wearing something, that she claimed, should only go on girls. I was self-conscious about it and, being eleven, I didn’t want to lose any more friends. 

Of course, I still wore a little bit of makeup, even when I put on my glamor. I like applying it and I like the way it feels. I guess it just made me feel a little normal, since it made me look normal and not like a skeleton. 

It didn’t take me long to put it all on. I applied just enough so that people wouldn’t worry too much about my actual appearance. I still look sick, but my cheekbones were less noticeable, and my eyes were closer to their natural color. Even though it wasn’t necessary, I put on a little bit of lip gloss, my favorite applicant. 

I grabbed my satchel, stuffing my journal inside. I knew it was just my sickness, but I felt like my bag was 20 pounds heavier. My eyes refused to open all the way, so I felt like a drunk as I stumbled my way to the Great Hall, my balance off and my energy disappearing quicker with every step. 

When I finally got there, I realized it took me longer than I thought to get ready. The Great Hall was filled with people, the loud chatter making my head pound. I looked down at my watch only to realize I had forgotten to put it on. I glanced around, noticing Dean sitting diagonal to where I was standing. 

“Hey, Dean,” I called, causing him to look up from his eggs. “Do you have the time?” I asked, holding up my arm, tapping my wrist to show him what I meant. 

He opened his mouth to answer, but Ginny was suddenly by his side, grabbing his face and forcing a very demanding kiss on his lips. I saw Seamus turn at that very moment, getting a complete and full view of the scene. He scowled at Ginny before his eyes went to Dean, a pained expression on his face. I could have sworn I saw tears in his eyes before he muttered he had to go, grabbing his things and quickly exiting the Hall. 

I felt bad for him as I turned my eyes away from his retreating form. I knew he had a crush on Dean; he told me so, having needed someone to vent to. I didn’t mind that he told me and thought they would make a cute couple. I encouraged him to tell Dean about it, but he hadn’t gotten around to it. And I guess he wouldn’t be telling him anytime soon. 

When I turned back to the two, I saw with a shock, that Ginny was staring unblinkingly at me. She was still sucking Dean’s face off, who had hesitantly started to kiss her back, obviously confused. It was creepy how her eyes never strayed from my face, even as she snogged another person. I awkwardly cleared my throat, wincing at the raw feeling. I had the unexpected urge to cough but managed to hold it down. 

“I’ll see you later, babe,” she said when she finally pulled away, giving me one last glance before she walked off. I mentally cringed. 

“I, um, didn’t know you and Ginny were dating,” I said lightly, trying not to let it show how disturbed I was. 

“Neither did I,” Dean murmured, furrowing his eyebrows, still very confused. 

“Thats not right,” I said before I could stop myself. 

Dean looked at me with a scoff, a smile on his face. “Anyway, what did you need?” 

“Oh, I just asked what time it was,” I said, nibbling on a small piece of toast. My stomach churned at the small bite of food, but I knew I needed to eat something. 

He squinted down at his arm. “Its seven forty-five.” 

Classes started at eight. 

“Okay, thanks,” I said with a small rasp, making my way out of the Hall before Ron or Hermione spotted me. 

I made my way to the Room of Requirement, severely struggling as I attempted to climb the stairs. When I got there, I was practically wheezing, my legs shaking with strain. I felt a little lightheaded but brushed it off and entered the potion room. 

Draco was already there, prepping ingredients and storing them in separate containers. His back was to me as I slammed my bag down on a nearby table, collapsing on a chair, my breathing still a little heavy. He spun at the loud noise, his eyes wide. He looked slightly panicked until he realized it was me. 

“Jesus,” he breathed, putting a hand on his chest. 

“No, but close enough,” I managed to get out before I fell into a coughing fit. My throat burned and my chest felt tight. When the coughing subsided, I inhaled a large amount of air, feeling my lings expand painfully. 

I groaned and tilted my head back, annoyed I was sick. When I looked back down, I saw that Draco had taken multiple steps backward, the collar of his shirt over his nose and mouth. He glared at me until he was sure I was done coughing before slowly uncovering his face. 

I laughed at him, causing my throat to become more irritated. I sniffed, wiping my now runny nose with the sleeve of my robe before smiling up at him. A look of horror passed his face and he instantly started to dig around, pulling out disinfectant wipes. He put on a pair of gloves before coming up to me, grabbing my hand and scrubbing at my sleeve. I laughed again, letting out a small cough in the process. He yanked back is head, the glare returning. 

“If you so much as breathe on me, I will poison your pumpkin juice,” he threatened, but he said it with such seriousness, I couldn’t help but to continue laughing. 

Draco tried to frown, but he had a small smile of amusement stuck on his face. When he finished cleaning my robe, he got a fresh wipe and started to clean my hands. I raised a brow at this. 

“I’m not five, you know. I do know how to clean my own hands,” I said, not bothering to stop him. 

Draco looked up from his job, smiling sheepishly. 

“Sorry. The mother in me got loose,” he said, throwing the dirty wipe away. 

“Well, thanks anyway, mum,” I said, causing him to snort. 

He started to get up, but I grabbed his arm, stopping him. 

“Guess what I found,” I watched confusion flash across his eyes his eyes before realization came over him, quickly turning into excitement. 

“Are you serious?” he asked, a big smile on his face. 

“As a heart attack,” I answered, grabbing my journal from my bag, flipping to the right page before handing it to Draco. 

“Oh my gods,” he breathed, scanning the ingredients, wasting no time in getting them ready to brew. 

As he put everything he needed in neat rows, he turned to me, his eyebrows furrowed, a puzzled look on his face. 

“Where did you find it?” he asked, narrowing his eyes like he was trying to solve a complicated math equation. “Knowing you, you would have locked yourself in your room as soon as you were discharged from the Hospital Wing and stayed in there until it was time for breakfast. And judging by how late you were from what I assume is due to being sick, you probably just got up, which leaves you no time to look around for this.” he held up the book. 

“Jeez, what are you, stalking me?” I tried to joke, but it fell flat. Draco continued to stare me down, waiting for an answer. 

“Did-did you have it this entire time?” he asked, his voice barely above a whisper. 

“What?!” my head snapped up in surprise. “Wha- no, Draco, I would never do that to you!” 

He didn’t say anything, instead staring at me, the confusion on his face impossible to miss. 

“I-,” I stopped, letting out a deep breath. “I got it back when I was in the Hospital Wing. It was _given_ back. Someone had it.” 

“Who?” Draco asked. 

I started to fidget a little as I answered meekly, “Snape.” 

Draco opened his mouth to say something but stopped, looking taken aback. He blinked several times as he took in what I said. When he still didn’t say anything, I continued to explain. 

“He, uh, kind of broke into it and read it. He didn’t read all of it, but he said he read at least halfway through.” I paused, wincing as I prepared myself for what I said next. “and you remember the potion that was spilled on me?” Draco nodded. “Well, Snape got the potion from my journal.” 

Draco gaped at me before letting out a low whistle. “Well, I'll be a monkey’s uncle.” 

“I should have never shown you that movie.” 

“Do you know which potion it was?” 

“Yeah...” I said slowly, dragging it out. 

“It’s bad, isn't it?” he asked 

“Yeah...” I said again. “It was the soul one,” 

“Oh my G-,” Draco shook his head. “Of all the potions in your journal, and he had to choose that one. You really do just have bad luck, don’t you?” 

“You’re telling me,” I hesitated. “There’s more.” 

“Oh, fucking hell,” he sighed, looking at me in exasperation. 

“I don’t know which part of the potion will take into effect. I don’t know if I will lust after him, or if I will just find my soulmate,” I explained, wringing my hands. 

“Thats easy,” Draco said, shrugging. “If you start to think of Snape differently, in a romantic way, then you know it was the lust.” 

“Thats kind of the problem,” I said before forcing the next words out of my mouth. “I already think of him in that way.” 

Draco's whole body froze. 

“What?” 

“I, uh, have a small, very tiny crush on, um, Snape,” I said, my voice getting smaller as I spoke. 

There was a moment of complete and utter silence before Draco started laughing, catching me entirely off guard. 

“Oh, come on, Harry,” he laughed. “Of all people, you decide to crush on Snape?” Draco calmed down a bit, but he was still chuckling as he wrinkled his nose. “That man is practically my uncle.” 

“So, does that make you the monkey?” I said lightly, realizing he wasn’t upset with me. 

Draco stuck his tongue out at me, “Funny.” 

“What should I do?” I asked, then added, “About Snape, I mean.” 

“Well,” Draco paused, squinting one eye as he thought. “You could make another potion that would help determine which part of the soul potion took hold.” 

I was about to dismiss the idea before I realized that it could so totally work. 

“OhmyGods you’re a fucking genius,” I said in one quick breath. 

“Yeah, I know,” Draco said with a smirk. 

I playfully slapped his arm. 

“Way to be modest,” I muttered, causing him to laugh. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! Though, I might not post again in a while as my binder was taken, due to the fact that I was not supposed to be writing in it, but was never told. But still! Hope you guys liked it!


	14. Chapter 12

https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSCEvvZF8Sz4vKdGDPr-uuTIlJqv0huY2vyXw&usqp=CAU

(Draco)

Draco walked slowly to class, his mind far from his body. He could have sworn Harry had looked very different today. Not just his face, but also his body. He seemed smaller, much smaller. And Draco had  definitely noticed the makeup.

When Draco first saw Harry, he thought someone had hexed him. He looked so... ghoulish. It had scared him. But when Harry hadn't said anything, Draco didn’t ask. He supposed  him being sick caused his change in appearance, but the severe difference couldn’t have all been from a simple cold .

Draco was so deep in his thoughts, worrying about his dearest friend, that he hadn’t noticed  the pair of footsteps coming closer to him,  _ their _ voices loud and cheerful. Voices Draco had  had been trying hard to avoid. By the time he realized who it w as, it was too late. They were already in front of him.

Fred and George Weasley smiled at each other, almost as if to capture their moment of shared fortune.

Draco stumbled a step back, his eyes going wide, staring at the two as if they had just magically appeared in front of him . He felt heat start to crawl up his neck as the twins stared at him, the same look glowing in their moss green eyes.

“Malfoy,” they said together, grinning  mischievously .

“W-Weasley,” Draco stuttered, causing their smiles to grow wider.

“Where is it your headed?” George asked lightly, his eyes tracing Draco’s figure.

Draco cleared his throat as quietly as he could, standing taller, trying to regain his confidence. He felt slight  embarrassment at his studder and knew his cheeks would show as much.

“Class, not that it is any of your business,” he replied coldly, trying to gain an air of authority.

But Fred and George were unfazed  at the rudeness in Draco’s tone. In fact, it only seemed to brighten their mood.

“Now  now , Malfoy, I wouldn’t use that tone when speaking to us,” Fred said with a smile , but there was a touch of seriousness in his voice.

“ Yes, we were just wondering where you were going,” George spoke, mirroring Fred ’s tone.

Draco gulped when they stepped closer to him. He felt his heartbeat start to speed up as he watched the emotion burn more  intensely in the ir eyes. He felt himself cower slightly under their gaze, his confidence slipping away.

But he underestimated his Malfoy pride, and before he could stop himself, he retorted, “I will speak to you in any tone I wish.”

They both frowned, their eyes narrowing slightly.

“Malfoy,” George warned lowly. “Speak like that again and you will have to be punished.”

“ And you don’t want to be punished, do you?” Fred continued, his voice as equally threatening and seductive as George’s.

Draco's eyes went wide , and his heart furiously tried to thrash its way out of his chest. He fought down the whimper that  tried to escape his throat along with the two words that nearly slipped off his tongue:  _ yes please _ _. _

But he could do nothing to stop his body’s reaction to the words.

Instantly, he covered his lower half best he could and rushed past them before they could see how they physically affected him . They called after him and, in a panic, he broke into a full-on  run, moving as fast as he could. He forced his legs to continue, even when they screamed  desperately in protest. Draco ran corridor after corridor, going through secret doors and sprinting down multiple flights of stairs. He only stopped when he wa s  positive he wasn’t being followed.

Draco leaned against a cool stone wall, gasping harshly as he tried to catch his breath. His heart beat so hard, he could see the pulse of it as it went through his eyes. His legs were shaking to the point where it was hard to  stand. There was a tight clenching in his stomach that made him feel nauseous, making him regret his unusual decision to eat breakfast that  morning. But then again, it was probably a good thing he ate, or else he  probably wouldn’t have had the energy to run for so l ong.

With his lower back still pressed against the wall, Draco bent forward, placing his hands on his knees , as he started to take deep breaths, trying to calm his still erratic heart. His min d was racing faster than he just ran. His emotions were all over the place as he tried to figu re how he felt about his previous situation.

Draco was confused. Why? Why were they doing this? It was hard enough that Draco knew they hated h is existence, so why did they have to tease him like that? And it didn’t help  when Draco’s feelings for the nearly identical twins were-

Draco swallowed thickly. He was just as shocked as anyone else would be when he found out he was hardcore crus hing on the two most  ridiculous , weird, creative, funny,  _ amazing _ __ people in the whole damn school. As soon as he found out that was the  reason he always felt different around them, he instantly  tried to avoid them at all costs. And it really didn’t help when they always seemed to know where to find him, an d they would say suc h _ graphic _ things to him.

Draco, of course, loved it when they spoke to him like that, but  he wanted to know why they were doing it . There was no possible way they could  actually like him; no Gryffindor would ever date, or even be interested, in a bloody Slytherin .

The thought had a lump forming in Draco’s throat. That was the truth, wasn’t it? He could never be happy , knowing that both his  house and his name instantly have people thinking the worst of him.

He had never actually done anything bad. The only reason he was so mean to Ron and called Hermione a-a  Mu dblood ,  was because  of how they treated Harry. And Draco didn’t even have much  satisfaction over calling Hermione such a thing ; he absolutely  _ loathed _ the damn word. It had slipped out that day on the field in second year, when he first called her...  _ that _ . He was just so angry. She assumed that he had  ‘bought’ his way in when he had worked hard, trained endlessly, and he had barely made the cut.

Lucius had known Draco had earned his spot on the team and bought him a Nimbus 2001 to show how proud he was of Draco. It was Draco ’s mother, Nar c issa, who had the idea to buy the whole team brooms. “It will raise your social status” she h ad  said .

Draco didn’t give a damn about his ‘status’. He just wanted to be accepted. Harry was the only one to look past his  prideful ,  arrogant exterior . Draco had never had anyone else see him as him, and not as some rich bitch with Galleons  practically falling out of his ass.

Draco took a deep breath when he felt tears prick his eyes, his lip quivering as he tried to fight off his sudden wave of emotion. Slowly, he straightened , only to slide down to the floor. When a small, nearly  silent  whimper escaped him, he gave in and let his tears fall , bringing his knees up to his chest. It wasn’t long before he was sobbing, his shoulders shaking with the force as he cried.

His heart almost physically  _ hurt _ at the thought  of the two people he foolishly gave his love to.

“God dammit,” Draco whispered, looking up and staring at the  opposite  wall , his tears continuing to flow.

That was it. He couldn’t hide from himself. He was in love and he knew it would be beyond stupid to try and lie to himself . He was in love with two people who couldn’t  possibly love him back. 

“Of fucking course,” Draco grumbled under his breath, suddenly angry with the whole thing.

He angrily wiped away his tears, standing quickly, brushing invisible dust from the seat of his robes. He felt his face twist with the fury he felt ; but it was directed only at him. He was weak to cry and to cry in such a public place. His mother had shown him that.

But just as he took a step forward, he felt himself falter. No, he wasn’t going to run  off of anger and pain . Not like she did. No, he was going to throw his shoulders back, standing tall, his head held high. He was going to  show his self-pride, his self-confidence, just like his father taught him.

He was a Malfoy. It was about time he fucking acted like it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pics of our lovey Twins and our awesome Draco (the twins fr looking like they checking a certain blond out, like, damn, dat ass, tho)  
> Hope you liked it!  
> I honestly felt a power move from Draco at the end, I was like, YES!! FUCKING, LETS GOOOOO!!!


End file.
